Learning to communicate with our elder parents as adults is a real chore for most baby boomers. We struck 
an attitude of independence when we were teenagers and it blossomed from there. We are the generation of independence and now we have to back track. The choices we make concerning our future health may need the information about the generations before us. When we look in the mirror now or visit our doctors, we are becoming them and we need to extract information while we still can.
One of the main things that I have learned from communication with elder parents is that they want to be treated and talked to just like anyone else. If you talk to your friends, you don’t sugar coat anything you want to know. You just spit it out and accept what they say. Start asking general questions of your parents. Be open about the things you want to know. Someday they won’t be here to ask. Just keep the judgments towards what they have to share to a minimum. Your defenses may want to go up but the truth is not always about you or protecting your feelings. Their truths may help you tremendously in the future of your health and that of your children and grandchildren.
Jog their memories by asking what they did when they were a certain age. Who they hung around with and what types of things they used to do. When they start talking, it usually triggers more. That is an opportunity to get descriptions of former family members in regards to their personalities, health issues, family lifestyle and antidotes of past generations. How they spent their summers, holidays and what was their favorite pet. It just keeps growing from there and you will need to keep a journal to remember it all yourself because your children will eventually start asking you.
If there is terminal illness, ask them what it feels like to have the problem. Let them know that you don’t want them to be uncomfortable and that you are not always sure how to respond but that you are willing to listen. Understanding how an illness runs its course is not always necessary. The common ground is usually the acceptance of fear and loss. Most fear the unknown and having support, love and someone to share their feelings is a great contribution. Ask if anyone in the family of prior generations has experienced this illness or another chronic problem.
If they are over 75, talk about how they feel about their age. You can bet that when they look in the mirror, the reflection is not how they see themselves. If you’re middle age, you definitely can relate to the same thing. They remember how flexible and mobile they always were. That climbing a ladder or dancing for hours were simple. Now, they can barely bend to tie their shoes.
If they need care, get the outside help (home health aides) if possible and keep the time you have to spend as open time. You were not born to take over their lives when they got old. Taking over causes way too much stress and can ultimately destroy the family connection that is critical for elders. The visiting will be therapeutic for all concerned. When you try to do everything for them, your family and yourself, you begin to resent all of it. Your last memories if something should happen will be full of regret. Keep talking and asking questions. If stuck, resort to the “who, what, when, where, why and how of their lives, their parents, extended families and you. They all want to know that they matter in your lives and they don’t want to be a burden.
Take the time to become friends with your elder parents as you age. They are just other adults that have probably experienced a lot of the same things as you. Stop looking through your child eyes and see them as peers. Everyone wishes they could slow down the aging in life. Eventually, you will experience the same feelings too! Open up and you may find it easier to talk to your adult children as well. Enjoy!
Value Yourself Before Retirement
